Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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