you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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