you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
