you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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