fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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