i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
