when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
