so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
