i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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