I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
