Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize