He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm just crazy horny about you
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
