You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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