Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
