I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
