got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize