I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You're like the curious george of whores
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
