proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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