so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
