Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
