"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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