Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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