when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize