Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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