i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
