This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
