What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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