my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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