Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
