If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
