I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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