If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
