It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
