I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
