Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
