I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
