it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
