I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize