I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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