This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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