Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
