He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
