Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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