I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
