Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
