yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
