Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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