I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
