I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
