i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
