She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
