i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
