hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
