There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
