well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
