the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
