You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize