Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
