Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
