If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
