You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
