So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
