I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize