im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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