A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
