I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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