Someone shit on the floor
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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