Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This baby is an asshole
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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