He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You need a sexual gate keeper
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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