Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize