i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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