A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
